


we'll catch each other

by revise



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, John Winchester's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-16 22:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7287193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revise/pseuds/revise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically, I'm just writing about nothing. Both Sam and Dean are struggling with an eating disorder, and they don't really know what they're doing with their lives. Codependency, blah blah blah, the works. Pure trash. There probably won't be a definite end, but each chapter could probably be seen as the end.</p>
<p>Warning: Don't read this if you are triggered by mentions of eating disorders, or anything to do with them really. I don't want to put people at risk for anything. I also don't think it's too graphic or anything like that, but just in case, be careful people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It started out as a way to cope with his father’s constant barking of orders and continuous reminding to “protect sammy”. He didn’t mean to start, but once he did, he couldn’t stop.

The first time he binged was when he was about seventeen. He was supposed to watch Sam in the room while John was on a hunt, but instead he’d gone out with a girl from school. They fooled around for awhile, and Dean got back around one in the morning. He suspected Sam would be fine, but when he got back to the Motel, John was there, waiting to yell at him. Nothing happened to Sam, but John had specifically told Dean not to leave. 

Dean got yelled at pretty bad. His father said a few nasty things that bounced off him, but one thing stuck.

“You’re fucking out of practice Dean. You don’t listen to orders, and it’s pretty obvious you’ve been slacking off with training. I mean, you’ve gained a bit of weight there. Your brother is allowed to be chubby, but you, you’re seventeen. Stop fucking around with girls and do your damn job,”

As soon as John stopped yelling, he said he had to go back out to finish the hunt, and he promptly left the room, slamming the door behind him. Sam hid under the covers then, and didn’t come out no matter what Dean did. Eventually he gave up on comforting his brother, and he stormed out of the room as well, making sure the door was locked, and that Sammy would be as safe as possible without him. 

He walked to the nearest fast food joint and went a little crazy with what he was ordering. 

Three burgers, a milkshake, and two pieces of pie later, Dean had never hated himself more. Or felt as uncomfortable. He’d never eaten that much food at once in his entire life. He slowly started walking back to the motel slowly, his fathers words repeating themselves in his head.

You’ve gained weight Dean. Stop fucking around.

He caught a glimpse of himself in a dark window he passed, and stopped to look closer at his reflection. His dad really was right. He had gained weight. He was slacking off. Dean had no idea why the girl he’d been with earlier that night even wanted to be near him. He was disgusting. 

Dean closed his eyes and thought about how much he’d just eaten. 

It didn’t take much for him to start throwing up in the bushes behind the parking lot of the motel.

~

Sam remembered the exact night he started caring about what he looked like. He was thirteen, and Dean had gone out with a girl. Sam knew he’d be fine, but he didn’t expect his father to show up that night to check in with them. 

John showed up around twelve, and they sat in silence for about an hour. John was livid and didn’t say anything to Sam, and Sam was too scared to defend himself or his brother. 

When Dean eventually showed up, it was a shit storm. John yelled for a good fifteen minutes at his brother, and Sam hated every second of it. He knew Dean got yelled at a lot, but this was worse than usual. 

Sam wanted so badly to cut in and stop John from yelling, tell him that he was thirteen and he was fine to be on his own for a few hours, that Dean was a good brother and he needed a break too, but he couldn’t. Sam couldn’t stop his father. 

Then he said something to Dean, it wasn’t meant to affect Sam, but it did. 

“Your brother is allowed to be chubby Dean. You’re seventeen, and you need to stop fucking around,” 

John thought Sam was chubby. Obviously Dean wasn’t chubby. John lied to Dean just to make him feel bad when he yelled. But his comment about Sam had to be true. It wouldn’t have popped into John’s head while he was angry if it wasn’t completely accurate.

When John was done screaming, he went back out to finish the job he was working. Dean left soon after. Sam didn’t really want to talk to dean, so he hid under the covers until Dean got tired of trying to coax him out. It didn’t really take that much time.

As soon as he was alone, Sam crawled out from under the covers, and into the bathroom. He took his shirt off and looked in the mirror. Sam was chubby. Sam was practically obese. He wished someone had told him sooner how bad he actually looked.


	2. Chapter 2

At first Dean didn’t binge and purge often. He would only do it when things got particularly bad. Then the definition of ‘bad’ got a little broader, and he was doing it more often. Then bad wasn’t a factor. It was an addiction. He slowly stopped binging after he couldn’t bare to look at himself anymore, and then it was just purging. 

Dean threw up after most every meal. It didn’t matter if he ate more than usual, hell, he just liked the feeling it gave him. Emptiness was his medicine, and he took it a little too often.

It took about a year before he realized this was more of a serious problem then he wanted to admit. There was blood, and a lot of it, but he couldn’t stop. 

It was the tail end of the school day, and Dean was skipping last block to hang out with his girlfriend behind the bleachers in the field. He started coughing, and then he couldn’t stop coughing, and then he had blood in his mouth, and then he was falling. The girl he was with— Anastasia— was shaking him, and asking if he was okay, but Dean couldn’t talk. He couldn’t move either. Everything faded into blurriness, and then into nothing. 

When Dean woke up, he was in the nurses office. That was bad. He made the mistake of stretching out his arms and giving a small grunt. The nurse immediately made her way to his side.

“Dean, I’m glad you’re awake, how are you feeling?”  
“I’m feeling like a cheeseburger to be perfectly honest,” Dean half smiled, and blinked up at the middle aged woman. 

She did not look amused.

“I’m surprised actually, with that answer specifically, and I’d like to ask you some questions if you wouldn’t mind,” 

“Actually I do mind, I have to take my brother… home…” Dean looked at the clock on the wall, “In ten minutes,” Dean started to sit up.

The nurse put her hand on his shoulder, and to be honest, Dean didn’t have the strength at that point to be struggling. This was beyond bad. If he didn’t have the strength to fend off the middle aged, female, high school nurse, then how was he supposed to protect Sammy? Dean closed his eyes, but continued to sit up. It was a struggle. 

“What have you eaten today, and when?” The nurse wasn’t letting him off the hook at all. 

Dean didn’t have the energy to lie.

“I had cereal for breakfast, and then I had a sandwich from the cafeteria for lunch,” Dean raised his eyebrows in a way that was supposed to ask the nurse if he could leave now.

“Okay, and judging by the state of your voice, and the way your knuckles look, you didn’t keep either of those,” Why did he have to pass out at the school with the world’s most perceptive nurse?

“Yeah, I have a stomach bug and I made myself throw up so I wouldn’t feel like shit,” Dean tilted his head to the side.

“I know about these kind of problems Dean. My daughter struggled with an eating disorder, it’s not as uncommon as you think,”

Ahh, well, at least there was a reason the nurse saw through him. It was good to know that it wasn’t obvious unless it was a trained eye looking at it. 

“Eating disorders are chick problems, I’m fine,”

“No, they're not,”

“I have to get my brother,” Dean didn’t want to talk about this.

“Fine. Legally I can’t keep you here, but if I could, then I would,” The nurse paused, “Expect your parents to get a call,”

“I wouldn’t count on it,” Dean quipped as he stood up. 

The nurse frowned at him, but didn’t say anything or try to stop him again. 

Dean sped off to meet Sam at the impala.

Sam was waiting patiently beside it, looking wary. Dean didn’t know if he was still wonky from earlier, or if what he was seeing was real. Sam was a bone rack. Not that he hadn’t noticed how skinny his brother was, but he didn’t think it was this bad. Sam couldn’t be healthy. 

Dean unlocked the car, and tried not to stare at his brother. This had been a weird day, and all he wanted was to collapse into his bed. Maybe his nutrient depleted brain was just playing tricks on him. He would wait until the next morning. He would be feeling better by then.

~

Dean walked up to the impala where Sam was waiting. He was always there before Sam. Something must’ve happened at school. Or with a girl. 

They got into the car, and there seemed to be tension hanging in the air. Sam felt Dean’s eyes scanning him, and suddenly felt self conscious. He had been slipping a little lately with his training, but he didn’t think it was that noticeable. Maybe it was though, and Dean could see how out of shape he was getting. 

“What took you so long?” Sam wanted Dean to stop looking at him. 

His plan seemed to work, because Dean blinked a couple times, and then tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

“Nothing,” 

“Was it a girl?” Sam was suddenly worried about his brother. 

Something was very off about him, but Sam couldn’t pinpoint what it was. 

“Yeah,” Dean paused, seeming to be looking for something else to say, “Anastasia…” Dean blinked a couple more times.

“Are you okay Dean?” Sam now definitely knew there was something very wrong if he wasn’t bragging about hooking up with a girl. 

“Yeah Sammy, I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me,” Dean sounded defensive, and for no reason really. 

“Geez Dean, sorry for asking,” Sam turned to look out the window and tried to shake the feeling of a problem with his brother. 

~

They arrived at the motel, and watched some television for awhile. Usually Dean would go out, but he didn’t really want to. He told Sam he was too tired to do anything. Sam was got more worried, but still didn’t see anything. 

While they watched, Dean shifted, and Sam looked over. Dean started coughing, and then stood up. 

“Dean?” Sam went to stand up as well. 

In between coughs, Dean spoke.

“I’m fine Sam,” Another cough, “I just need some water,”

Sam sat back, but stayed looking at his brother. Dean didn’t look very good. His face looked kinda puffy, and his eyes seemed to be sunken into his skull. Actually, the state he was in was a tad familiar. Sam looked at himself, and then up at Dean.

Sam liked to think that he would one day be as attractive as his brother. How had he not noticed how sick Dean looked before this moment.

Dean filled a glass with water, and drank slowly. When he put the glass down, there was blood on the rim where his lips were. He was bleeding. But from where?

Sam got up, and Dean warned him not to come closer with his glare, but Sam ignored it.

“What’s wrong with you Dean?” Sam gestured at the bloody glass.

“Nothing Sammy. There’s nothing wrong with me,” Dean started walking out the door, “I’m going out,”

Sam didn’t want Dean to leave if he was injured or sick. He could get hurt. He was vulnerable.

Sam bolted to the door and stood against it so Dean couldn’t leave. 

“Get out of the way Sam,” Dean’s voice was scratchy.

“No,” Sam wasn’t moving. 

Dean debated in his head whether it was worth arguing and wrestling with Sam to get out of the room. If he was completely honest with himself, he didn’t really have the energy to do anything. He decided not to pick this fight, and he sat back down on the couch. 

Sam was still at the door, and he couldn’t stop staring at Dean. He decided to wait until they— or Dean— ate dinner to confirm his suspicions. 

~

A couple hours later, Dean stood up and looked at his brother. He seemed to have gotten over whatever anger he held for sam because of their quarrel earlier. 

“Time for dinner Sammy,” Dean stretched his arms behind his head and his shirt lifted and revealed a sliver of skin.

Sam looked at it, and blinked a few times. Dean was tiny. That wasn’t right. Dean was always muscular and strong. When had this happened?

“Yeah, okay,” Sam turned back to the television. 

“What do you want?” Dean seemed agitated suddenly. 

“I don’t really care Dean. Whatever you want,” It’s not like Sam would be eating much of it anyway. 

Dean walked over to the cupboards and opened them. He browsed for a second before pulling out a box of macaroni. 

“Looks like it’s gonna be pasta Sammy,” 

“Whatever,” Sam hated talking about food, but he kept his tone light hearted. 

Dean looked at his brother, and made a not in his head to make sure Sam ate all his dinner. He needed some more meat on his bones. The kid looked starved. 

It took a little while, but the food was done, and Dean set it out on the table. 

“Sam. Dinner,” Dean called his brother away from the tv. 

Sam walked up and sat in front of the bowl. He really hated eating. Luckily for him, Dean seemed to be distracted today, so maybe he wouldn’t notice if Sam didn’t eat very much of it. 

The air was awkward between the two. It was kinda terrible. At first neither of them were eating, but then Dean spoke up. 

“You need to finish that Sammy, your getting a little skinny,” A little was an understatement, but Dean didn’t know what else to say.

Sam’s head snapped up and he eyed Dean suspiciously.

“You’re one to talk,” He mumbled, and then warily grabbed his fork. 

“What did you say?” Dean ordered Sam to explain. 

“Have you looked at yourself in awhile Dean. I don’t think you can criticize my size looking like you do,” Sam suddenly didn’t care if Dean knew about his suspicions. 

“Oh my god Sam. Everything you just said applies to yourself. I’m fine. You on the other hand, need help,” Dean was getting angry.

Why was Sam even concerned with him. Yeah he was coughing— and vomiting— a little bit of blood up here and there, but he needed to. He was practically obese. He couldn’t stop. Sam on the other hand, was in the opposite situation. He desperately needed to gain weight. 

“No, you do! Have you looked in the mirror recently, because you hardly exist anymore Dean!” Despite being an extremely small fourteen year old, Sam was loud.

“Wait…” Dean was suddenly confused. They were using the same arguments, “Wait,” The second one was almost a whisper. 

“What?” Sam snapped.

“Be straight with me Sammy. What do you think is wrong with me?”

Sam suddenly shrunk back, and didn’t say anything. Sam was thinking about what Dean was saying, and he was also confused. 

“You first,” Sam finally said. 

He wanted to know what Dean knew. 

Dean bit his bottom lip, and sighed.

“Sammy, you gotta know that your underweight. I’m scared for you. How do you expect to fight monsters if you’re that small?” Dean said softly.

“Liar,”

“What?”

“You can’t be serious Dean. I’m enormous. I have no idea who you’re looking at, but it sure isn’t me,” 

“Oh Sammy. No,” Dean shut his eyes for a moment, then opened them slowly, “Why do you think that?”

“Because it’s true. Because I can’t stop eating. Because every time I see my reflection I hate the way I look a little more,” Sam said with a fast stream of words, and then regret crossed his face, “You wouldn’t understand Dean. You’re skinny, and attractive, and good at hunting,” 

“Hey Sammy, don't talk like that. Hell, if anyone’s skinny here, it’s you dude. And of course you’re attractive Sam, and you’re still young, you'll get better at hunting the more you do,” 

“You really think I’m too small?” Sam still wasn't sure Dean was telling the truth.

“Sammy, I wouldn’t lie about something like this,” 

“Okay,” Sam still didn’t start on his pasta.

“Eat Sam. It’s not gonna hurt you,” Dean looked at him expectantly.

“You should eat too,” Sam nodded at Dean’s bowl, “You’re pretty small yourself,”

“Ahh Sam, I will. You know how much I love food,” Dean grabbed his fork and started eating. 

Dean debated with himself over if he was going to purge after this meal. One without it couldn’t hurt. He fainted at school damn it. If he didn’t stop throwing up, then he could start to have some serious problems. But… he also didn’t want to ruin his progress. He didn’t want to be the fat mound of worthlessness he was the previous year. He couldn’t go back to that. 

Dean continued to eat, but more slowly this time. He wasn’t purging tonight. And besides, he needed to make sure Sam ate all of his dinner. 

Sam was having some trouble. Dean was obviously lost in thought, but he didn’t really have any way to make it look like he was eating. He was stupid, and he wasn’t wearing anything with pockets. Dean had distracted him, and he didn’t have a chance to put on a sweater or change or something. 

Dean seemed to come out of his thoughts, and he glared at Sam. He picked up the fork again, and put another bite into his mouth and started chewing slowly. Dean didn’t drop his gaze though, and he kept staring at his brother to make sure he was actually eating. 

For the rest of the meal, the tension only rose further. Dean was feeling uncomfortable because he was finished, and there was no way to leave and purge without leaving his brother alone. Sam was feeling uncomfortable because Dean wouldn’t stop staring at him. Anybody would feel weird if someone was watching them eat, but it was worse for Sam. He knew how he looked, and someone of his size eating? Well, that was just embarrassing.

Once Sam finished, Dean stood up abruptly. 

“Where are you going?” Sam frowned at his brother. 

“To have a shower. What do you care?” He started walking. 

“I know what you’re doing,” Sam stated, and Dean froze. 

No. Sam couldn’t know. Dean had been careful. He knew he told himself he wouldn’t do it today, but his stomach was rebelling against the food he just ate, and he needed it out. 

“Oh yeah, and what would that be?” Dean tried to play it off like Sam was just being stupid. 

“You’re throwing up,” Sam was blunt. 

“Who do you think I am Sammy, some kind of girl?” Dean made a face at his brother, but deep down, he was nervous. 

“No, and it’s not just a girls problem. Lots of people do it Dean. I learned about it in health class, and I did a bit of reading on my own,” Sam had looked into it, because he wanted to make sure he didn’t have an eating disorder, and that he wasn’t insane.

“Why do you want to know about that sort of thing Sam? Is it because you’re anorexic?” Dean didn’t care if it was mean to put it out in the open and accuse his brother like this, he just needed to keep the conversation away from himself.

“No. I’m not anorexic Dean. I researched because I was making sure I didn’t have it,” Sam stood up so he was a little closer to Dean’s eye level, “And for your information, I think you have bulimia, and there’s facts to support it,”

“Are you that diluted to think that what you have isn’t an eating disorder?” Dean’s voice softened.

“Of course it isn’t. I’m just trying to be healthy. I don’t eat nothing, I eat breakfast, and sometimes I have snacks. And I train. That’s not an eating disorder,” Sam defended himself.

“Damn,” Dean didn’t know what to say. 

He knew he was messed up in the head, and he didn’t like admitting he had an eating disorder, but deep down he knew that that was exactly what it was. It actually seemed like Sam genuinely didn’t think that’s what he had. Their lives were so messed up. 

“Please don’t go into the bathroom,” Sam stepped closer to his brother.

“It’s too late to go anyways,” Dean had the mindset that it was never too late, but he wanted to talk to Sam, “Can we sit on the bed for a second, I have something I need to say,”

“Fine,” Sam sounded defeated.

They sat down next to each other on Dean’s bed, and neither of them said anything at first. Dean was trying to think of the best way they could tackle their problems. 

“I think we both need to be a little more honest. With ourselves, and each other,” Dean said slowly, and then turned to his brother, “You’re underweight Sam, I can see it, and I’m pretty sure you can see it too,” Sam tried to speak, but Dean held up his hand and continued, “And I also have a problem… with throwing up,” 

Silence.

Sam was about to argue, but he knew Dean’s point was valid. He knew they both had a little problem. Even if he liked to tell himself that there was nothing wrong with him, he knew that in theory, if someone else were to be doing what he was doing, he would say they had a problem. So why wasn’t it a problem for him? It was. there was no question. 

“I don’t know what to do Sammy,” Dean said shakily.

“I guess… I guess we can both try to keep each other in check,” 

Sam was done being a freak. If he could help it, then he would be as normal as possible. 

“Okay Sammy,” Dean agreed, “But we can’t always be arguing,”  
“And Dad can’t know,” Sam added.

“No way,” Dean agreed again. 

If there John even caught a whiff of this, they would really be in for it. It would be a blood bath. Possibly literally.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short. I'm writing this fic a little different than all my other stuff, so things kinda just happen like this. Also sorry I have no schedule for this one. I just kinda update when the mood strikes aha.

John came back a couple days later, and they packed up and left for a new town. Their father didn’t suspect anything of them. No matter how obvious it was that both Sam and Dean were suffering, John Winchester could always be counted on to be oblivious. Or maybe he saw, but he didn’t care enough to stop either of them. 

It was pure luck that they at least had each other.

While on the road, Sam normally found it easy to just say no to food, and claim that he had been snacking on the drive and that he wasn’t hungry enough to get anything at the cheap diners they stopped at. Now that Dean had called his bluff, he couldn’t say no. Dean knew for a fact that Sam didn’t snack on the drives, and he basically shoved food into his brother’s mouth. When they stopped at a gas station, Dean would pop in and grab some trail mix and granola bars. He made sure that Sam had either a handful of the mix, or one granola bar in between every meal. When they went out specifically for food, Dean made sure Sam ordered something substantial, and if he claimed he wasn’t hungry, or refused to order, then Dean would order extra for himself and give it to his brother. Sam was reluctant at first, but whenever he saw Dean looking at him, there was something in his eyes that told him he was in no place to argue. Dean just wanted the best for him. Why would he lie to Sam? Why would he sabotage him into gaining weight if it wasn’t completely necessary? Dean wouldn’t. 

It went both ways though. Just because Dean was the older brother didn’t mean Sam couldn’t also take care of him. Every time Dean excused himself from the table immediately after eating, Sam would follow him. Dean most often rerouted himself so they were standing outside together. 

“Thanks Sammy,” Dean said once.

“For what?” Sam knew Dean didn’t like being stopped when he wanted to purge, so he was a little confused.

“Just… for being my brother,” Dean seemed like he had something else to say, but he stopped talking after that.

“It’s not like I chose you,” Sam joked. 

Sam wouldn’t pick another brother for the world.

“Bitch,”

“Jerk,”

After a couple months of helping each other like this, they both gained some weight. They were still on the low side, but they were stronger. Yeah, Dean sometimes still had a bit of acid come up out of his stomach sometimes, but he swallowed it down and didn’t think about it. Sam still looked at food sometimes, and thought about where the fat would distribute itself on his body, but he ignored his thoughts, and choked down whatever was in front of him. 

They were fine. Not better really, but they were fine.


End file.
